Wow, sometimes I baffle myself. I often take on more than I can handle and often frustrate myself in doing so. The thing is, I usually get it all done and then some, and then I wonder why I’m so tired (or wired) when I finally slow down enough to sit and think about it. I’ve always worked in this back asswards kind of way – I guess it’s my way of challenging myself, just to see what I can accomplish. I’m a procrastinator by nature it seems, and though I love to plan my days, I can’t really plan in those days that I’m feeling off somehow, and unfortunately those days really throw me for a loop. I usually have the best intentions in mind, but often find myself short on energy or will or inclination, and this in itself frustrates the heck outta me. You’d think I’d learn to be more forgiving with myself, but it’s usually the opposite – I get down on myself because I can’t accomplish all the things I want to, but I’ve already set myself up to fail, and I get annoyed at myself because I can’t finish what I’ve set out to do. It’s no wonder I really liked merry-go-rounds as a child (and still do!), as I find myself going round and round and round more often than not. I suppose it’s that cyclical way of thinking (most women think in this manner), and I guess it allows us to multitask in ways that only women seem to know how. We are thinking of the dozens of things we need to do in the future and planning our days in our heads, so that we know what we are required to accomplish sooner than later, and all the while, doing the things that need to be done now, so that we can make our lives easier in the long run. Women are amazing and I’m truly happy that I am one, however, if I could just spend one day a week thinking like a man (more linear and direct) I think I could make a bit more progress in life. I certainly wouldn’t want to think like a man all the time, that would drive me crazier than I already am, but once in a while it would be nice to just focus on one thing at a time.

I really think that I have a hyperextensive brain, I can think and plan things far into the future, and keep so many details in my head, it’s rather annoying because I’m always thinking, and because I’m always thinking sometimes the little things get missed. I try to pay attention to everything and that’s possibly the crux of my problem. I feel I have an oversensitive system and because of that I learn and grow and experience so much so quickly, that I feel I can’t keep up to myself sometimes! My brain always wants more, but my body says “Slow down already!” If I didn’t actually require sleep, I probably wouldn’t do so – there’s just so much to do, so much to learn and I hate wasting time doing nothing. Then, there are those days, when the mind says “Let’s go!” and when the body just can’t get it together, and a super frustrating day is born, and the cycle starts all over again. *sigh* Are these the rambling thoughts of a crazy person? Or am I just caught up in a neverending cycle of thinking that I’m actually accomplishing something tangible in my life. I suppose if I had less to stress about (read: managing my *stuff*), I’d have more time to do those things that I’d really like to do – like read more or make art, or just sit and listen to the birds or spend time with friends I haven’t seen in a while. Another thing is, my brain needs order, and when things are in disorder, my brain isn’t happy, and when I can only see the disorder, this makes me crazy. I know the answer – less stuff, less stress, and I AM working on that, slowly, but surely. But, for now, I guess I’ll just have to be happy being crazy. 🙂

Well, it’s 3 am and I’m more awake that I’ve been all day. For some reason, I’ve always been a night owl and feel more alive at night than during the day, and I’m sure this confounds Rick, who seems to be a natural day person. I’m not sure what it is about being up at night that is so exciting for me. It’s not that I don’t like to sleep or that I don’t enjoy the daylight, there’s just something about being up at night, all night, that rather appeals to me. Perhaps it’s the dark and quiet solitude that seems to embrace me, the city is quiet, the house is quiet, you can hear further and there aren’t as many lights. The neighbourhood nightkitties come out to visit me on my front porch, and I can hear the sound of people talking in the distance as a streetcar goes by, a dog barks and I know that it’s a few blocks away, but would I have heard it during the day? Probably not. So many sounds, so many things to see and pay attention to during the day, it’s overwhelming. My attention is everywhere, all at the same time during the day, but at night it belongs to me, I can focus and I can sense things in a totally different way, and it makes me feel calm. I like it, this night.

I’m in such a place right now. There are so many things going through my head, so much to think about, so much to do. Where do I start? How am I going to get there? In which direction should I go? What will I do when I get there? What do I do now to make it happen? My life is full of opportunities, full of journeys to be had, full of experiences to be experienced, full of love and joy and hope, full of signs and good omens and magic. My question is, if my life is so full of wonderful things, why do I sometimes feel so empty?

I had a fantastic time this past weekend! I was asked by a friend to do visuals for Naissance in Peterborough and it really gave me some good practice. Ron and Scott came along for support and I learned alot from Scott who sat beside me at times and showed me some good tips on using Resolume and just being a good VJ in general. Scott has had alot of practice and is now working full time as a VJ at a top Toronto club. Way to go Scott! Ron had some videos to show as well, but unfortunately, his computer was having hissy fits and not co-operating with what he wanted to do. He did a great job of taking over for me when I needed a break, and also many thanks for driving us all up to the party! Thanks Ron!! For their first party, this collective did an awesome job! I felt such an honour to be part of it. The psy scene in Peterborough is small but so nice – everyone is super friendly and caring – you can tell they all love each other very much and have been friends for some time. Their local chapter of Food not Bombs supplied an amazing vegan feast for everyone before the actual partying started. The food was SO good and it was so very nice to be able to share food with great people and have some awesome conversations in the meantime. Everyone worked so hard at putting on this party and it sure showed. Thanks to everyone who made this such a fantastic time. YOU ALL ROCKED MY WORLD!!! 🙂

Afterwards, we went to an afterparty where I got the opportunity to get to know some of these great people. It’s so inspiring to see young people work so well together. It sometimes reminds me of the pagananarchovegan days of my early 20’s and some of the things that we used to try to accomplish. It seems this has come full circle for me, but is SO much better than it used to be! YAY!! We headed home in the afternoon so I could go to my brother’s 40th birthday party in the evening. I think this is going to be a very busy spring/summer!

My sister in law put on a fantastic party for my brother. All of our cousins were there, some of our aunts and uncles as well as lots of Phil’s friends and co-workers. The house was full! Happy Birthday Phil!! I hope you are around for a long time yet. I love ya!! We headed back around 11:30 or so, as I was pretty darned tired (hadn’t really slept since Friday morning!) and Rick wanted to head to another party, so he dropped me off, and did dog duty while I fell into bed and dreamt of spinning kaleidoscopes, streaming starscapes, and the summer to come. Sunday was spent with a few friends with the bonus of a walk with the dogs to the mudpit that is Trinity-Bellwoods park. The spring thaw is certainly upon us, and Little Bear and Adhara had a fantastic time running around and getting super wet and muddy. We walked home on the main roads so that they could dry off some before we got back to the house. Nothing like crazy muddy dogs!! (and a good thing too!) as now I have some extra cleaning to do. 🙂

*happysigh*

I have a coffee cup that was given to me by my first boyfriend Kevin for my 17th birthday. I’ve kept it close for 25 years now and it’s always made me feel better, and inspired me to figure it out, whatever it might be. On it is an inspirational piece of writing by Barbara Smallwood and Steve Kilborn. Read it, and see if you feel better too! 🙂

Whatever your mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve. Dream great dreams, and make them come true. Do it now. You are unique. In all the history of the world there was never anyone else exactly like you, and in all the infinity to come there will never be another you. Never affirm self-limitations. What you believe yourself to be, you are. To accomplish great things, you must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost – put foundations under them. Yes you can. Believing is magic. You can always better your best. You don’t know what you can do until you fly. Nothing will come of nothing. If you don’t go out on a limb, you’re never going to get the fruit. There is no failure except in no longer trying. Hazy goals produce hazy results. Clearly define your goals. Write them down, make a plan for achieving them, set a deadline, visualize the results and go after them. Just don’t look back unless you want to go that way. Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don’t succeed, try another way. For every obstacle, there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up. Wishing will not bring success, but planning, persistence and a burning desire will. There is a gold mine within you from which you can extract all the necessary ingredients. Success is an attitude. Get yours right. It is astonishing how short a time it takes for very wonderful things to happen. Now, show us the colours of your rainbow.

Suffice it to say it was a wonderful, interesting and surprising weekend. Sometimes I wonder if I should be pinching myself on a regular basis just to see if I’m dreaming or not. Usually I feel as though I have a pretty good grip on reality, but once in a while, something or someone will come along that could possibly change your life forever. I seem to be meeting quite a few of these people lately – and life could very definitely become a more interesting place to be for a while. Hmmmm…. 🙂

Last Saturday, Dave and I did visuals for the Fractal Forest party at the Reverb. I had pantloads of fun and am hoping to be able to do this again someday (I’ve already had some good interest and people have asked me if I want to do visuals for their parties too!). This is all good news! So I’m thinking that I might change the focus of this blog into more of a visual vlog type thingy, and perhaps use it as a repository (this word always makes me giggle!) for all things video, ocular, optical, viewable, observed and likely those things hidden and arcane too. The eyes (outer and inner) can see all sorts of things, and I’m hoping to be able to bring some to you in full colour for your eyes to feast upon. Bring on those hungry eyes! *blinkgrrrr* 😀

Well, my new diet sans wheat, sugar, yeast, cow dairy, and coffee seems to be paying off. While I haven’t really lost any real weight, the bloatedness I was constantly feeling is now mostly gone, and while I’m not feeling any excess of physical energy (I’ve actually been sleeping more than usual), I am feeling quite perky, not to mention HAPPY and less pissed off at the world in general. This is a good thing! I know my energy will increase over time (it actually takes alot of energy to heal), and it’ll just be a matter of time before I won’t be able to stay away from the gym or from riding my bike again (come on Spring!!) and then there will be no stopping me! I had a very spiritual experience over the weekend, and it’s given me more strength than I could have ever hoped for. Thank you most benevolent goddess!! *happydance*

Now I know that time and space have no beginning and no ending, but where does it go in the meantime? Life has been quite busy lately – it probably doesn’t HAVE to be, but it seems I always opt for doing SOMETHING rather than doing NOTHING – so it always is. That’s ok tho, I like it that way! 2007 started out simply sublime – an absolutely awesome night of dancing and carousing with friends at the Sumkidz/BLA New Year’s Eve party, followed by a beautiful morning – it was warm and sunny (and kind of surreal really!) and I was in good company all day long. One of the things I’d like to be successful in 2007 is taking care of myself. I need to get rid of some unhealthy habits and replace them with healthy ones. Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been off wheat, dairy, sugar, yeast, and coffee and I can already feel a difference. While I know I have a long way to go to heal myself, one of the most important things I have to do is to figure out how to feed myself properly. Food intolerances can really wreak havoc on the body and I am definitely feeling the havoc. It’s time to deal with it once and for all and get better! 🙂 I think I have a pretty good strategy, so hopefully I can stay on track and have only good things to report back! Hopefully, lucky 2007 will be the year I will succeed!

Having your birthday close to the beginning of the year is actually really great! I turned 42 just the other day, and I’m really hoping that this is the year that I find out the secret to life, the universe, and everything. I have many aspirations for 2007 and I’m going to try my darnedest to aspire to them all. I’ll just need some motivation and some fortitude (42’ed!) to keep myself on track. I also have so much to do around the house that if I EVER say that I’m bored, I’d have to call myself a boldfaced liar! Between the renovations, everyday life, art projects, pets, other humans, and a need for more exercise, it’d seem like I never had any down time. I do love being busy and I’m hoping that my new self will be able to keep up with my long felt desires to take over the world! um, I mean, make the world a better place! 🙂 There really are SO many ways to do so, and I know that the first place to start is with myself. So here I am world!! Make me your bitch!! LOL

Well, I’m feeling better today thankfully. 🙂

I was babysitting my niece from Saturday afternoon until Monday evening and it was fun. She has grown so much (in so many ways!), but she’s a pleasure to be with, even with the middle of the night feedings and 6 am mornings. The ear piercing screams can stop however! Wow, does she get wound up fast! I think she might make a good opera singer when she gets older (she just needs some training on that high note!). Ow! On Sunday, we went to visit my mom and brightened her day a bit with a visit from her granddaughter. This is her first and she’s absolutely gramma over her. It’s nice to see her smile and get excited over something. My mom has had some unfortunate events happen in her life and it’s left her rather sad and broken. I’m amazed that she can still smile and laugh at life sometimes. She’s such an awesome person and I love her to pieces – I just wish we were closer so that I could spend more time with her. Here are a couple of pictures of Grandma and Mackenzie (Mom LOVES being called Grandma!)