Life has been very busy lately, hence the lack of postings here, but I have still been doing alot of thinking, and thinking sometimes leads to writing, the problem is I’ve had no time to just sit and write. Someday soon I hope..Stay tuned 😛

Today I’m feeling pretty good, tomorrow might be another story, but there is hope on the horizon (like the title says!). I’m seeking therapy for my rollercoaster-riding psyche, I’ll be holding on tight at times I’m sure, but there will be moments where I will let go joyfully just to feel that rush of fear whoosh by my conscience, cast out in all directions, gone forever with hopes that I will never have to see that fear again.  I am glad I’ve taken the first step, and I know that the steps will get easier with time.

After an appointment with my doctor yesterday, we decided that I wasn’t really crazy, just misguided and there there are ways of dealing with said misguidedness.  Because of my nature (i’m a capricorn with a grand earth trine) it takes a long time for things to sink in sometimes. I enjoy change, but not too fast. I can move towards something, but not too quickly.  If I don’t have all my ducks in order, I might not proceed and if I do, it’ll be at a snail’s pace. This has always been frustrating to me. I see people who can move quickly, think quickly, do quickly, and get on with their lives and I envy them because they make it seem so effortless. I am a heavy load to bear, and my burdens, whether imagined or real, come with me wherever I go.  I know that much of my self-worth comes directly from how I am feeling at any given time about myself. I am trying to feel better about myself, but will have to come up with a whole new way of looking at my life. At the moment, I feel as though I’m stuck in a downward spiral (and you know how much I love spinning!) – but I want it to be an upward spiral (because going up is so much more fun!), and so I’m working towards this, albeit slowly, but I’ll get there.  One day soon, I’ll be able to see over the horizon, going up towards the light, and it’ll be the best day ever!

In the meantime, I found a little friend called Faith to help me along.  He’s going to be my constant companion, reminding me that I must have faith in myself to succeed.  He’s sitting right beside my computer and he lets me know that without a doubt, faith exists and it’s up to me to have it.  I’m looking forward to the day when I will meet my old self again.  I’m sure she’s been quite lonely without me. 🙂

I often catch myself paying attention to the ongoing discourse that’s going on in my head. Sometimes the voice is loud and sometimes it is soft. I sometimes stop to answer this inside voice, and at times, I look as though I’m in a deep conversation with myself. My facial expressions will change, I’ll sometimes laugh out loud or look perplexed, and I’ll often talk to myself. Does everyone do this at times or am I just a senile person waiting to happen? I often wonder.

When I am wandering around on a lovely day, going about my business, there are a few things that I automatically do when interacting with the outside world. I wonder if these interactions make me seem as though I am a little crazy. As I wander, I will try to make eye contact with everyone who passes by me, and offer them a smile. Sometimes I get one in return and sometimes I don’t. If they don’t smile back, it’s ok, I don’t take it personally. I will smile at dogs and cats, at plants, at clouds, at couples interacting, at children, at policemen, at other crazy people, and even at statuary. I talk to strangers, I stop to smell the flowers, I watch out for people in need, and often to stop to gaze in wonder at a particularly creative store window, or other interesting scenes. Do these actions simply make me observant or is there something else going on here?

I also often wonder if I spend too much time alone. I feel comfortable with myself, I enjoy my own company and I can certainly amuse myself anywhere, anytime with anything, but I wonder if this is normal. When there’s no one else around, it’s easy to sing out loud, or laugh, or dance or get caught up in the ever fascinating world of watching bugs in my garden. I feel happy and calm when I’m with myself, just doing the little silly things that I do. There’s no stress (except for the ‘you really should be doing something more productive’ voice that I hear at these times), and I know there are more productive things that I could be doing, but I have to let myself play too. It’s like these little moments of ‘insanity’ will help me stay sane in the long run. Perhaps I just have too much on my mind and it’s a way that I can let my mind wander without bounds. I really need to learn how to channel my excessive energy into something creative and fun, and quell the nagging that goes on in my brain at times. Silly brain! How can you possibly make plans to take over the world when there’s so much else to do?

This is one of the most incredible things I’ve seen in a long time 🙂 WOW!

Elephant self portrait

Amazing 🙂 No wonder I love elephants so much!!

The award for the longest running song to go around and around in my brain goes to Across the Universe by the Beatles – I’ve been singing it since Monday afternoon. No other songs have been present in my head – I think this is a record! (actually, it IS a record, recorded first in 1968, then again in 1970 on their Let It Be album) 😛 I miss playing records. I used to have this pink portable record player and about 200 records of all kinds when I was a kid, and I’d spend *endless* hours just listening to music and giving all my little toys a ride on the turntable. I do still have a good collection of albums and a record player, so I guess all I need are some speakers. I love the crackling sound that they make, the endless spinning, and of course, listening to 33 1/3 speed records on 45 or even 78 – that could make anyone sound like a chipmunk! (and I think the toys liked it too!)

🙂

http://www.acrosstheuniverseday.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fO4RfVeOyRQ

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing’s gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing’s gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing through my open ears
Exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Jai guru deva

About 15 years ago or so, I worked at the Vegetarian Restaurant with a beautiful and talented young girl named Brit Biribauer from France. We became fast friends and talked at length about music, and making things, and the ups and downs of life. She recorded an album with her musician boyfriend Luc (which I still have in my record collection) and was aspiring to be a singer and dancer, and with all her talent I didn’t have any hesitation that she just might make it. I found myself wondering about her today, out of the blue, about her lovely smile and cute French accent, and what she might be up to these days. As the day progressed, my mind wandered here and there, I got busy doing things and thus, forgot about the lovely Brit once again.

Rick and I try to get to the Dufferin Park Farmer’s Market every Thursday, to pick up fruits and veggies, and to enjoy the walk through the park. Today, we bought some root veggies, kale and apples and dined on crepes and burritos for dinner, while standing in the rain listening to a dreadlocked musician strumming a tune on his guitar. We bought him a burrito too 🙂 But standing there, next to him, a face I recognized from many years back. A man, a baby. We smile and nod, and I eventually say to him, “I know you, but I’m not sure where from”. He responded with “Yes, I know your face too”. And as we were wondering where, Brit’s memory came back to me and voila! la connection! Luc! Apparently, Brit is back in France and is doing very well there, and Luc has moved on to become a wonderful daddy 🙂 Next time I see him, I will ask for Brit’s email address.

Don’tcha just love those out of the blue moments? I sure do 😉

…so does my psyche it seems. As much as I love this time of the year, it also seems to weigh heavy on my soul. Everywhere I look there are reminders of loved ones who have passed on to the other side. I can see their sad faces in the barren trees and the rocks, in the dying flowers and reflected in the pools of cold rain water. It’s as though I can feel all the sadness of the world, of all the dearly departed souls that have been laid to rest, and especially of those souls who haven’t found that final resting place. I’ve always been sensitive to the energies around me, and this time of the year is notorious for this kind of thing. And so, I find myself in that precarious in-between place, where life and death are co-mingled, and it’s enervating to say the least. I feel listless and tired, like I could sleep for days on end, and dream the odd dreams that seem to come to me at this time of year. Not really my dreams, but those of others it would seem, some are happy, some are sad, but they’re filled with strangers that I do not know. In some ways, these dreams seem to fulfill a need, whether they are thoughts that require transmission or feelings that need to be expressed, I seem to dream them. Often I’ll wake up forlorn or pining for someone I do not know – it can at times be very disconcerting. Some of those feelings stay with me all day, or are in my thoughts off and on during the day. I try to not let them get to me, but at times it happens. Sometimes I have dreams of those I do know, departed beloved pets come to visit, deceased friends and family sometimes come to call, and those are the dreams that I like. All these dreams make me feel thankful that I’m still alive and can experience life in all its forms, in full colour, with sound, feeling and depth. So in this time, so close to death, strive to see the life that’s around you and say thank you for that, but also, connect with those in your life who have passed on and if you have anything to tell them, say it, they’re listening and probably want to talk to you too…

Wow, sometimes I baffle myself. I often take on more than I can handle and often frustrate myself in doing so. The thing is, I usually get it all done and then some, and then I wonder why I’m so tired (or wired) when I finally slow down enough to sit and think about it. I’ve always worked in this back asswards kind of way – I guess it’s my way of challenging myself, just to see what I can accomplish. I’m a procrastinator by nature it seems, and though I love to plan my days, I can’t really plan in those days that I’m feeling off somehow, and unfortunately those days really throw me for a loop. I usually have the best intentions in mind, but often find myself short on energy or will or inclination, and this in itself frustrates the heck outta me. You’d think I’d learn to be more forgiving with myself, but it’s usually the opposite – I get down on myself because I can’t accomplish all the things I want to, but I’ve already set myself up to fail, and I get annoyed at myself because I can’t finish what I’ve set out to do. It’s no wonder I really liked merry-go-rounds as a child (and still do!), as I find myself going round and round and round more often than not. I suppose it’s that cyclical way of thinking (most women think in this manner), and I guess it allows us to multitask in ways that only women seem to know how. We are thinking of the dozens of things we need to do in the future and planning our days in our heads, so that we know what we are required to accomplish sooner than later, and all the while, doing the things that need to be done now, so that we can make our lives easier in the long run. Women are amazing and I’m truly happy that I am one, however, if I could just spend one day a week thinking like a man (more linear and direct) I think I could make a bit more progress in life. I certainly wouldn’t want to think like a man all the time, that would drive me crazier than I already am, but once in a while it would be nice to just focus on one thing at a time.

I really think that I have a hyperextensive brain, I can think and plan things far into the future, and keep so many details in my head, it’s rather annoying because I’m always thinking, and because I’m always thinking sometimes the little things get missed. I try to pay attention to everything and that’s possibly the crux of my problem. I feel I have an oversensitive system and because of that I learn and grow and experience so much so quickly, that I feel I can’t keep up to myself sometimes! My brain always wants more, but my body says “Slow down already!” If I didn’t actually require sleep, I probably wouldn’t do so – there’s just so much to do, so much to learn and I hate wasting time doing nothing. Then, there are those days, when the mind says “Let’s go!” and when the body just can’t get it together, and a super frustrating day is born, and the cycle starts all over again. *sigh* Are these the rambling thoughts of a crazy person? Or am I just caught up in a neverending cycle of thinking that I’m actually accomplishing something tangible in my life. I suppose if I had less to stress about (read: managing my *stuff*), I’d have more time to do those things that I’d really like to do – like read more or make art, or just sit and listen to the birds or spend time with friends I haven’t seen in a while. Another thing is, my brain needs order, and when things are in disorder, my brain isn’t happy, and when I can only see the disorder, this makes me crazy. I know the answer – less stuff, less stress, and I AM working on that, slowly, but surely. But, for now, I guess I’ll just have to be happy being crazy. 🙂

Well, it’s 3 am and I’m more awake that I’ve been all day. For some reason, I’ve always been a night owl and feel more alive at night than during the day, and I’m sure this confounds Rick, who seems to be a natural day person. I’m not sure what it is about being up at night that is so exciting for me. It’s not that I don’t like to sleep or that I don’t enjoy the daylight, there’s just something about being up at night, all night, that rather appeals to me. Perhaps it’s the dark and quiet solitude that seems to embrace me, the city is quiet, the house is quiet, you can hear further and there aren’t as many lights. The neighbourhood nightkitties come out to visit me on my front porch, and I can hear the sound of people talking in the distance as a streetcar goes by, a dog barks and I know that it’s a few blocks away, but would I have heard it during the day? Probably not. So many sounds, so many things to see and pay attention to during the day, it’s overwhelming. My attention is everywhere, all at the same time during the day, but at night it belongs to me, I can focus and I can sense things in a totally different way, and it makes me feel calm. I like it, this night.