I’m in such a place right now. There are so many things going through my head, so much to think about, so much to do. Where do I start? How am I going to get there? In which direction should I go? What will I do when I get there? What do I do now to make it happen? My life is full of opportunities, full of journeys to be had, full of experiences to be experienced, full of love and joy and hope, full of signs and good omens and magic. My question is, if my life is so full of wonderful things, why do I sometimes feel so empty?

I had a fantastic time this past weekend! I was asked by a friend to do visuals for Naissance in Peterborough and it really gave me some good practice. Ron and Scott came along for support and I learned alot from Scott who sat beside me at times and showed me some good tips on using Resolume and just being a good VJ in general. Scott has had alot of practice and is now working full time as a VJ at a top Toronto club. Way to go Scott! Ron had some videos to show as well, but unfortunately, his computer was having hissy fits and not co-operating with what he wanted to do. He did a great job of taking over for me when I needed a break, and also many thanks for driving us all up to the party! Thanks Ron!! For their first party, this collective did an awesome job! I felt such an honour to be part of it. The psy scene in Peterborough is small but so nice – everyone is super friendly and caring – you can tell they all love each other very much and have been friends for some time. Their local chapter of Food not Bombs supplied an amazing vegan feast for everyone before the actual partying started. The food was SO good and it was so very nice to be able to share food with great people and have some awesome conversations in the meantime. Everyone worked so hard at putting on this party and it sure showed. Thanks to everyone who made this such a fantastic time. YOU ALL ROCKED MY WORLD!!! 🙂

Afterwards, we went to an afterparty where I got the opportunity to get to know some of these great people. It’s so inspiring to see young people work so well together. It sometimes reminds me of the pagananarchovegan days of my early 20’s and some of the things that we used to try to accomplish. It seems this has come full circle for me, but is SO much better than it used to be! YAY!! We headed home in the afternoon so I could go to my brother’s 40th birthday party in the evening. I think this is going to be a very busy spring/summer!

My sister in law put on a fantastic party for my brother. All of our cousins were there, some of our aunts and uncles as well as lots of Phil’s friends and co-workers. The house was full! Happy Birthday Phil!! I hope you are around for a long time yet. I love ya!! We headed back around 11:30 or so, as I was pretty darned tired (hadn’t really slept since Friday morning!) and Rick wanted to head to another party, so he dropped me off, and did dog duty while I fell into bed and dreamt of spinning kaleidoscopes, streaming starscapes, and the summer to come. Sunday was spent with a few friends with the bonus of a walk with the dogs to the mudpit that is Trinity-Bellwoods park. The spring thaw is certainly upon us, and Little Bear and Adhara had a fantastic time running around and getting super wet and muddy. We walked home on the main roads so that they could dry off some before we got back to the house. Nothing like crazy muddy dogs!! (and a good thing too!) as now I have some extra cleaning to do. 🙂

*happysigh*

I have a coffee cup that was given to me by my first boyfriend Kevin for my 17th birthday. I’ve kept it close for 25 years now and it’s always made me feel better, and inspired me to figure it out, whatever it might be. On it is an inspirational piece of writing by Barbara Smallwood and Steve Kilborn. Read it, and see if you feel better too! 🙂

Whatever your mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve. Dream great dreams, and make them come true. Do it now. You are unique. In all the history of the world there was never anyone else exactly like you, and in all the infinity to come there will never be another you. Never affirm self-limitations. What you believe yourself to be, you are. To accomplish great things, you must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost – put foundations under them. Yes you can. Believing is magic. You can always better your best. You don’t know what you can do until you fly. Nothing will come of nothing. If you don’t go out on a limb, you’re never going to get the fruit. There is no failure except in no longer trying. Hazy goals produce hazy results. Clearly define your goals. Write them down, make a plan for achieving them, set a deadline, visualize the results and go after them. Just don’t look back unless you want to go that way. Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don’t succeed, try another way. For every obstacle, there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up. Wishing will not bring success, but planning, persistence and a burning desire will. There is a gold mine within you from which you can extract all the necessary ingredients. Success is an attitude. Get yours right. It is astonishing how short a time it takes for very wonderful things to happen. Now, show us the colours of your rainbow.

Suffice it to say it was a wonderful, interesting and surprising weekend. Sometimes I wonder if I should be pinching myself on a regular basis just to see if I’m dreaming or not. Usually I feel as though I have a pretty good grip on reality, but once in a while, something or someone will come along that could possibly change your life forever. I seem to be meeting quite a few of these people lately – and life could very definitely become a more interesting place to be for a while. Hmmmm…. 🙂

Last Saturday, Dave and I did visuals for the Fractal Forest party at the Reverb. I had pantloads of fun and am hoping to be able to do this again someday (I’ve already had some good interest and people have asked me if I want to do visuals for their parties too!). This is all good news! So I’m thinking that I might change the focus of this blog into more of a visual vlog type thingy, and perhaps use it as a repository (this word always makes me giggle!) for all things video, ocular, optical, viewable, observed and likely those things hidden and arcane too. The eyes (outer and inner) can see all sorts of things, and I’m hoping to be able to bring some to you in full colour for your eyes to feast upon. Bring on those hungry eyes! *blinkgrrrr* 😀

Now I know that time and space have no beginning and no ending, but where does it go in the meantime? Life has been quite busy lately – it probably doesn’t HAVE to be, but it seems I always opt for doing SOMETHING rather than doing NOTHING – so it always is. That’s ok tho, I like it that way! 2007 started out simply sublime – an absolutely awesome night of dancing and carousing with friends at the Sumkidz/BLA New Year’s Eve party, followed by a beautiful morning – it was warm and sunny (and kind of surreal really!) and I was in good company all day long. One of the things I’d like to be successful in 2007 is taking care of myself. I need to get rid of some unhealthy habits and replace them with healthy ones. Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been off wheat, dairy, sugar, yeast, and coffee and I can already feel a difference. While I know I have a long way to go to heal myself, one of the most important things I have to do is to figure out how to feed myself properly. Food intolerances can really wreak havoc on the body and I am definitely feeling the havoc. It’s time to deal with it once and for all and get better! 🙂 I think I have a pretty good strategy, so hopefully I can stay on track and have only good things to report back! Hopefully, lucky 2007 will be the year I will succeed!

Having your birthday close to the beginning of the year is actually really great! I turned 42 just the other day, and I’m really hoping that this is the year that I find out the secret to life, the universe, and everything. I have many aspirations for 2007 and I’m going to try my darnedest to aspire to them all. I’ll just need some motivation and some fortitude (42’ed!) to keep myself on track. I also have so much to do around the house that if I EVER say that I’m bored, I’d have to call myself a boldfaced liar! Between the renovations, everyday life, art projects, pets, other humans, and a need for more exercise, it’d seem like I never had any down time. I do love being busy and I’m hoping that my new self will be able to keep up with my long felt desires to take over the world! um, I mean, make the world a better place! 🙂 There really are SO many ways to do so, and I know that the first place to start is with myself. So here I am world!! Make me your bitch!! LOL

Not exactly sure why this time of year makes me feel all blah-ey, but here I am again, in the blah-zone. *sigh* Seems it doesn’t take much to funk me out lately. Perhaps I should stop thinking. :\

Well it’s late, and for some reason I’m still awake. I was hoping to have an early night tonight, but my brain just doesn’t seem to want to co-operate. It just doesn’t realize that I’ve been up all day and I need my beauty sleep! I am physically tired, but my mind still doesn’t seem satisfied with the amount of work it’s done today. I’m not sure why it wakes up sometimes, after everyone has gone to bed, just to remind me that there are things that I still need to do – like laundry, or dishes, or reorganizing directories full of random stuff. I wish I could just turn it off and take it out, then put it into a recharging unit beside the bed so that my body could rest, and then in the morning, I could just snap my well-rested, recharged brain back in and get on with the day. But now, I will go lie down and attempt to lull myself to sleep with visions of Poe the Stray Sheep running around on the back of my eyelids. Wish me luck…

Wow, I can’t believe it’s July already and it’s been over a month since I’ve done any writing or blogging – I guess I’ve just been busy with parties and renovations and pets and people and camping and summer in general. Real life just has a way of getting in the way sometimes – it has been dynamic for sure, always lots of changes, always moving forward, always finding new things to pique my curiosity, and always having chores to keep me busy. I’ve been feeling pretty positive lately and find that if I can keep my mood happy and light, I don’t seem to get bogged down by my own negative thoughts. It’s been a battle for me at times, dealing with my depression, being confused by it at times, as I really don’t have any good reason to be depressed – I have a wonderful life filled with wonderful people – it’s just those darned brain chemicals playing tricks on me! In the meantime, I’m trying to eat better, get more exercise, and attempt to relax more, get better sleep and spend less time feeling stressed out about nothing. So far so good!

In a few weeks we’ll be attending the Eclipse festival which is going to be an absolute blast! So many excellent friends will be there to share the vibe with – it’s going to be awesome! Anyway, something to look forward to! Better get to work on some fun stuff to wear and play with! *wee*

I believe this is a poem by Paul Harrison, of the World Pantheist Movement. I find it beautiful in its simplicity, yet very deep in its meaning.

Something to think about. Enjoy. 🙂