Life has been very busy lately, hence the lack of postings here, but I have still been doing alot of thinking, and thinking sometimes leads to writing, the problem is I’ve had no time to just sit and write. Someday soon I hope..Stay tuned 😛

Today I’m feeling pretty good, tomorrow might be another story, but there is hope on the horizon (like the title says!). I’m seeking therapy for my rollercoaster-riding psyche, I’ll be holding on tight at times I’m sure, but there will be moments where I will let go joyfully just to feel that rush of fear whoosh by my conscience, cast out in all directions, gone forever with hopes that I will never have to see that fear again.  I am glad I’ve taken the first step, and I know that the steps will get easier with time.

After an appointment with my doctor yesterday, we decided that I wasn’t really crazy, just misguided and there there are ways of dealing with said misguidedness.  Because of my nature (i’m a capricorn with a grand earth trine) it takes a long time for things to sink in sometimes. I enjoy change, but not too fast. I can move towards something, but not too quickly.  If I don’t have all my ducks in order, I might not proceed and if I do, it’ll be at a snail’s pace. This has always been frustrating to me. I see people who can move quickly, think quickly, do quickly, and get on with their lives and I envy them because they make it seem so effortless. I am a heavy load to bear, and my burdens, whether imagined or real, come with me wherever I go.  I know that much of my self-worth comes directly from how I am feeling at any given time about myself. I am trying to feel better about myself, but will have to come up with a whole new way of looking at my life. At the moment, I feel as though I’m stuck in a downward spiral (and you know how much I love spinning!) – but I want it to be an upward spiral (because going up is so much more fun!), and so I’m working towards this, albeit slowly, but I’ll get there.  One day soon, I’ll be able to see over the horizon, going up towards the light, and it’ll be the best day ever!

In the meantime, I found a little friend called Faith to help me along.  He’s going to be my constant companion, reminding me that I must have faith in myself to succeed.  He’s sitting right beside my computer and he lets me know that without a doubt, faith exists and it’s up to me to have it.  I’m looking forward to the day when I will meet my old self again.  I’m sure she’s been quite lonely without me. 🙂

It’s a good thing she’s SO cute, because she’s a bundle of energy on four legs with a nose for trouble and a brain to match.  We’ve been having lots of fun tho, and she’s teaching me as much as (I think) I’m teaching her. It’s a good balance 🙂 Being a puppy, she has the attention span of a 2 year old, and the energy of an olympian team of triathletes.  She loves to play and is curious about *everything* including the water running under the manhole cover, anything that moves such as squirrels, cats, leaves, birds, and kids, the toilet, stuffed animals, and take out containers, just to name a few.  She’s pushy, grabby, pully and noisy, feisty, challenging, but oh so loveable! And her eyes – beautiful but intimidating, ready to stare down anything that summons her attention.  Her pupils glow red  when she’s excited and return to bluish white when she’s calm. She’s a skilled player in the park, darting to and fro, investigating the myriad of sights, smells and sounds in all directions, pouncing and running, stealing toys, rabble rousing all the other dogs to follow her on her merry chase. She loves people and children, and they seem to be just as taken with her as she is with them. And then, when she’s tired, she comes to you for kisses and snuggles, and she flumps down beside you, and offers up her belly for a rub, you know that all is good in her world, as she drifts off into her colourful puppy dreams. 🙂

I often catch myself paying attention to the ongoing discourse that’s going on in my head. Sometimes the voice is loud and sometimes it is soft. I sometimes stop to answer this inside voice, and at times, I look as though I’m in a deep conversation with myself. My facial expressions will change, I’ll sometimes laugh out loud or look perplexed, and I’ll often talk to myself. Does everyone do this at times or am I just a senile person waiting to happen? I often wonder.

When I am wandering around on a lovely day, going about my business, there are a few things that I automatically do when interacting with the outside world. I wonder if these interactions make me seem as though I am a little crazy. As I wander, I will try to make eye contact with everyone who passes by me, and offer them a smile. Sometimes I get one in return and sometimes I don’t. If they don’t smile back, it’s ok, I don’t take it personally. I will smile at dogs and cats, at plants, at clouds, at couples interacting, at children, at policemen, at other crazy people, and even at statuary. I talk to strangers, I stop to smell the flowers, I watch out for people in need, and often to stop to gaze in wonder at a particularly creative store window, or other interesting scenes. Do these actions simply make me observant or is there something else going on here?

I also often wonder if I spend too much time alone. I feel comfortable with myself, I enjoy my own company and I can certainly amuse myself anywhere, anytime with anything, but I wonder if this is normal. When there’s no one else around, it’s easy to sing out loud, or laugh, or dance or get caught up in the ever fascinating world of watching bugs in my garden. I feel happy and calm when I’m with myself, just doing the little silly things that I do. There’s no stress (except for the ‘you really should be doing something more productive’ voice that I hear at these times), and I know there are more productive things that I could be doing, but I have to let myself play too. It’s like these little moments of ‘insanity’ will help me stay sane in the long run. Perhaps I just have too much on my mind and it’s a way that I can let my mind wander without bounds. I really need to learn how to channel my excessive energy into something creative and fun, and quell the nagging that goes on in my brain at times. Silly brain! How can you possibly make plans to take over the world when there’s so much else to do?

This video totally made my day!!! Om Sri Ganeshaya Namah!

click here –>Jai Jai Ganesa!

Now, those are dance moves 😉

Well, I guess we’ve been lucky with the more temperate (and less humid) weather that Toronto is known for in the summertime. Today, it’s FREEEAKIN’ hot! Being of a more substantial stature (above average is my favourite term), it’s sometimes a little harder to keep cool, especially when one feels motivated to get stuff done around the house, and there’s always LOTS to do. The living room is one of the only rooms that is nice and cool (it has a window air conditioner), so on really hot days, I tend to visit it more than usual.   Most of the time during the summer, our house is a warm but comfortable 75-80 degrees (yay! double brick!), and luckily we have a ceiling fan in the bedroom so we can sleep on those hot humid nights, so it’s really quite tolerable, UNLESS YOU GO OUTSIDE! then, *MELT*, it’s looking for shade time. I’m always looking for cool places to hide, so when I’ve tired myself out doing stuff around the house or oot and aboot, I can sit for a bit with a tall glass of ice water, and perhaps read a little, or just hang around daydreaming in the skychair. The back deck is almost done and soon it will turn into a little backyard sanctuary, complete with raspberry plants, veggies, flowers, a fireman’s pole and a trapeze. Yes, it is a multi-purpose space! 😉 Unfortunately, there’s really not enough room to hang the hammock in my little ivy cave, so I’m hoping to be able to hang it on the front porch, and you’ll likely catch me cat napping in the afternoon or even sleeping out there in the evening every once and a while. Ok, coffee has kicked in, now onto job 43B 🙂 Enjoy the day!

I have been wanting to listen to my record collection for some time now, and yesterday Rick and I went to Moog Audio to purchase a pre-amp for my turntable (our 10 yr old tuner didn’t have the proper fixins, imagine!), so for the past day I’ve been wandering down Penny Lane, past Strawberry Fields towards Shakedown Street, which is near where Sonny and Cher and KISS live. Through the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and 80’s – 4 decades of vinyl have waited to be played once again. A few of the albums I’ve missed listening to over the years include:

• George Harrison’s special release Goddess of Fortune, full of devotional songs to Govinda and Gopala, recorded with the help from the devotees at the Radha Krsna Temple in London, UK
• NUNSEXMONKROCK by Nina Hagen (a divine goddess in her own right!)
• Soul Mining by The The (awesome album!)
• Count Basie and Sammy Davis: Our Shining Hour, arranged and conducted by Quincy Jones (!)
• Adam and the Ants: Kings of the Wild Frontier (hot!)
• Vivaldi! Mozart! Tchaikovsky!
• Original recording of Around the World in 80 days (c) 1957!
• Fun Boy Three and The Colourfield (*sigh* Terry Hall)
• POPPA’S GOT A BRAND NEW PIGBAG! (takes me back to the The New Music with Jeanne Becker and JD Roberts – I’m old)
• Visage: the Anvil (sweet gothic music)
• The Cure: The Head On The Door (Classic!)
• Psychic TV: Dreams Less Sweet (with Always is Always, a song written by Charles Manson)

I’m sure there are a few more, I have some interesting albums for sure 🙂 YAY for MUSIC!! *happydance*

addendum: wow, I’m surprised at myself for remembering lyrics of songs I haven’t heard in 20 or more years!

…and mares eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy, a kid’ll eat ivy too, wouldn’t you?

This pictures just makes me smile 🙂

Life has been really crazy lately, and it all seems to be passing in the blink of an eye. I’ve been holding on with both hands with feet ready to land wherever, but I’m heavy and not sure how long I can hang on! When my life is chaotic, I find it hard to think straight. I’m not really sure why this is – usually I’m able to deal with lots of changes, and even welcome them – but lately, it’s been really hard for me to keep up to what’s going on. I think I’m just tired (and feeling a tad defeated), even though I’ve been making lots of progress lately. Perhaps, I’m just an overachiever trapped in a procrastinator’s body. I usually don’t feel fulfilled unless I’ve accomplished at LEAST 20 different things throughout the day, and I will often stay up late to get them done, losing sleep because my mind is racing to accomplish things but my body says rest.

Things I’ve accomplished these past couple of weeks:

• Cleaned out 3 closets worth of stuff (only to be replaced by 3 closets full of other stuff)
• Sorted through 3 large boxes of magazines (if anyone wants them, feel free to drop over to browse!) – mostly Country Living, Skywatcher, Sky and Telescope, Runner’s, Health, Mother Earth News, and various gardening and computer mags too
• Cleaned up the camping gear and organized it all on the shelves
• Sorted out our alcohol stash (only 7 boxes!), so if any of you out there get stuck wanting to party and you’ve missed the liquor store, come by and browse our selection
• Dug the hole for the small pond in the front yard, and got it working, but now I have to empty it, clean it and refill it because some critter knocked over the plants that were in the pond, and making a muddy mess
• Dug out many many raspberry plants to be transplanted into their own bed once the guys are done building the back deck
• Cleaned out the sewing/storage room (now with 2 walls and ceiling gutted, ready for wiring, insulation and drywall), and it’s contents stuffed into the dining room temporarily
• Cleaned out the laundry/storage room (this room is next to be gutted and insulated and drywalled)
• Cleaned out my stained glass/art room
• Added several bags and boxes of stuff to the lawn sale pile (YAY!)
• Got my passport renewed
• Finally found a vanity and mirror for the upstairs bathroom
• Organized Rick’s closet and mine too

To do in the next couple of weeks:

• Clean pond
• Finish priming, find paint colours, and paint the upstairs bathroom
• Finish priming and painting the downstairs bathroom door
• Scrub both of Angus’ cages
• Take the painting that we bought in Cuba 7 years ago to be stretched and framed 😛
• Sort through all of the lawn sale stuff to see what I can donate instead
• Set a date for the lawn sale (you’d better all come!!)
• Sort though all the paper in my large filing cabinet full of witchy secrets and arcane knowledge =D
• Get more done in the front garden, including a garden path and some landscaping
• Finish cutting the lawn in the backyard
• Paint the Muskoka chairs on the front porch
• Weatherproof the sides of the front porch
• Put the other 2 Muskoka chairs together and paint them
• Find some time to work on the few web projects that I am doing
• Get thee to the gym!

I think that should keep me busy. Perhaps if I list them and go week by week, it might become apparent at just what kind of progress I am actually making, and then I’ll feel good about what I’ve accomplished instead of only seeing what I haven’t! Isn’t psychoanalysis wonderful? 😛 *LOVE*

This is one of the most incredible things I’ve seen in a long time 🙂 WOW!

Elephant self portrait

Amazing 🙂 No wonder I love elephants so much!!