…so does my psyche it seems. As much as I love this time of the year, it also seems to weigh heavy on my soul. Everywhere I look there are reminders of loved ones who have passed on to the other side. I can see their sad faces in the barren trees and the rocks, in the dying flowers and reflected in the pools of cold rain water. It’s as though I can feel all the sadness of the world, of all the dearly departed souls that have been laid to rest, and especially of those souls who haven’t found that final resting place. I’ve always been sensitive to the energies around me, and this time of the year is notorious for this kind of thing. And so, I find myself in that precarious in-between place, where life and death are co-mingled, and it’s enervating to say the least. I feel listless and tired, like I could sleep for days on end, and dream the odd dreams that seem to come to me at this time of year. Not really my dreams, but those of others it would seem, some are happy, some are sad, but they’re filled with strangers that I do not know. In some ways, these dreams seem to fulfill a need, whether they are thoughts that require transmission or feelings that need to be expressed, I seem to dream them. Often I’ll wake up forlorn or pining for someone I do not know – it can at times be very disconcerting. Some of those feelings stay with me all day, or are in my thoughts off and on during the day. I try to not let them get to me, but at times it happens. Sometimes I have dreams of those I do know, departed beloved pets come to visit, deceased friends and family sometimes come to call, and those are the dreams that I like. All these dreams make me feel thankful that I’m still alive and can experience life in all its forms, in full colour, with sound, feeling and depth. So in this time, so close to death, strive to see the life that’s around you and say thank you for that, but also, connect with those in your life who have passed on and if you have anything to tell them, say it, they’re listening and probably want to talk to you too…

Wow, sometimes I baffle myself. I often take on more than I can handle and often frustrate myself in doing so. The thing is, I usually get it all done and then some, and then I wonder why I’m so tired (or wired) when I finally slow down enough to sit and think about it. I’ve always worked in this back asswards kind of way – I guess it’s my way of challenging myself, just to see what I can accomplish. I’m a procrastinator by nature it seems, and though I love to plan my days, I can’t really plan in those days that I’m feeling off somehow, and unfortunately those days really throw me for a loop. I usually have the best intentions in mind, but often find myself short on energy or will or inclination, and this in itself frustrates the heck outta me. You’d think I’d learn to be more forgiving with myself, but it’s usually the opposite – I get down on myself because I can’t accomplish all the things I want to, but I’ve already set myself up to fail, and I get annoyed at myself because I can’t finish what I’ve set out to do. It’s no wonder I really liked merry-go-rounds as a child (and still do!), as I find myself going round and round and round more often than not. I suppose it’s that cyclical way of thinking (most women think in this manner), and I guess it allows us to multitask in ways that only women seem to know how. We are thinking of the dozens of things we need to do in the future and planning our days in our heads, so that we know what we are required to accomplish sooner than later, and all the while, doing the things that need to be done now, so that we can make our lives easier in the long run. Women are amazing and I’m truly happy that I am one, however, if I could just spend one day a week thinking like a man (more linear and direct) I think I could make a bit more progress in life. I certainly wouldn’t want to think like a man all the time, that would drive me crazier than I already am, but once in a while it would be nice to just focus on one thing at a time.

I really think that I have a hyperextensive brain, I can think and plan things far into the future, and keep so many details in my head, it’s rather annoying because I’m always thinking, and because I’m always thinking sometimes the little things get missed. I try to pay attention to everything and that’s possibly the crux of my problem. I feel I have an oversensitive system and because of that I learn and grow and experience so much so quickly, that I feel I can’t keep up to myself sometimes! My brain always wants more, but my body says “Slow down already!” If I didn’t actually require sleep, I probably wouldn’t do so – there’s just so much to do, so much to learn and I hate wasting time doing nothing. Then, there are those days, when the mind says “Let’s go!” and when the body just can’t get it together, and a super frustrating day is born, and the cycle starts all over again. *sigh* Are these the rambling thoughts of a crazy person? Or am I just caught up in a neverending cycle of thinking that I’m actually accomplishing something tangible in my life. I suppose if I had less to stress about (read: managing my *stuff*), I’d have more time to do those things that I’d really like to do – like read more or make art, or just sit and listen to the birds or spend time with friends I haven’t seen in a while. Another thing is, my brain needs order, and when things are in disorder, my brain isn’t happy, and when I can only see the disorder, this makes me crazy. I know the answer – less stuff, less stress, and I AM working on that, slowly, but surely. But, for now, I guess I’ll just have to be happy being crazy. 🙂

Well, it’s 3 am and I’m more awake that I’ve been all day. For some reason, I’ve always been a night owl and feel more alive at night than during the day, and I’m sure this confounds Rick, who seems to be a natural day person. I’m not sure what it is about being up at night that is so exciting for me. It’s not that I don’t like to sleep or that I don’t enjoy the daylight, there’s just something about being up at night, all night, that rather appeals to me. Perhaps it’s the dark and quiet solitude that seems to embrace me, the city is quiet, the house is quiet, you can hear further and there aren’t as many lights. The neighbourhood nightkitties come out to visit me on my front porch, and I can hear the sound of people talking in the distance as a streetcar goes by, a dog barks and I know that it’s a few blocks away, but would I have heard it during the day? Probably not. So many sounds, so many things to see and pay attention to during the day, it’s overwhelming. My attention is everywhere, all at the same time during the day, but at night it belongs to me, I can focus and I can sense things in a totally different way, and it makes me feel calm. I like it, this night.