Today I’m feeling pretty good, tomorrow might be another story, but there is hope on the horizon (like the title says!). I’m seeking therapy for my rollercoaster-riding psyche, I’ll be holding on tight at times I’m sure, but there will be moments where I will let go joyfully just to feel that rush of fear whoosh by my conscience, cast out in all directions, gone forever with hopes that I will never have to see that fear again.  I am glad I’ve taken the first step, and I know that the steps will get easier with time.

After an appointment with my doctor yesterday, we decided that I wasn’t really crazy, just misguided and there there are ways of dealing with said misguidedness.  Because of my nature (i’m a capricorn with a grand earth trine) it takes a long time for things to sink in sometimes. I enjoy change, but not too fast. I can move towards something, but not too quickly.  If I don’t have all my ducks in order, I might not proceed and if I do, it’ll be at a snail’s pace. This has always been frustrating to me. I see people who can move quickly, think quickly, do quickly, and get on with their lives and I envy them because they make it seem so effortless. I am a heavy load to bear, and my burdens, whether imagined or real, come with me wherever I go.  I know that much of my self-worth comes directly from how I am feeling at any given time about myself. I am trying to feel better about myself, but will have to come up with a whole new way of looking at my life. At the moment, I feel as though I’m stuck in a downward spiral (and you know how much I love spinning!) – but I want it to be an upward spiral (because going up is so much more fun!), and so I’m working towards this, albeit slowly, but I’ll get there.  One day soon, I’ll be able to see over the horizon, going up towards the light, and it’ll be the best day ever!

In the meantime, I found a little friend called Faith to help me along.  He’s going to be my constant companion, reminding me that I must have faith in myself to succeed.  He’s sitting right beside my computer and he lets me know that without a doubt, faith exists and it’s up to me to have it.  I’m looking forward to the day when I will meet my old self again.  I’m sure she’s been quite lonely without me. 🙂

Well, here we are again, ready for another trip around the mulberry bush. If only life were that easy. I sometimes long to be a child again, to have someone else be responsible for my health and well-being, to be carefree, and unaware of all the troubles in my world and the world around me. I’m at the age now where everything is smack dab in the middle of my vision and sometimes I can’t help but to want to escape into another reality. I know that I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends, I have a great life, but it has always seemed like something was and is still missing. I had a very tumultuous and somewhat sad childhood, then dysfunctional teenage years, which eventually led to tumultuous and dysfunctional adult years. I feel as though I’ve never known peace, and that every new year that comes along will just be another confused and dysfunctional time in my life. I have been trying for years to truly get my shit together, and every time I think I’m making progress, something happens, whether internal or external, of my own doing or not – I feel as though I just can’t figure it out. I know that there are alternative treatments out there, such as chiropractic work, nutritional therapy, psychological therapy and probably a hundred others. I will be trying out more of these, to try to find something that works for a long term effect. I’m a stubborn person with a rather weak consitution at the moment, and yes, this is of my own doing, trying to cope with things that I can’t control, and feeling like a miserable failure for not being able to figure it out. Such is my life lately. I do hope that something will work, because I’m very tired of feeling this way about myself and about life in general. I’ve been hiding for so long now that I’m not sure where to even start to find a way out. Old habits die hard, but I guess I’ll have to start somewhere.

All the best in 2009 to everyone who might read this. I hope your year is full of health and happiness, new opportunities and the love of friends and family, and of course, the love of your own self, because that’s as important as anything else.

Love,

kim